spicy paella

Maybe I’m just insecure tonight. I’m so afraid sometimes that Charlie is going to leave me. I don’t know why I’m so paranoid. I’m afraid one day Charlie is going to wake up and not want to be with a fat girl anymore.


I’m going down

I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to come home and write in my Xanga. I would pour every feeling, every emotion into those posts. I was open, and honest, never fearing that anyone who shouldn’t read it, would.

Then, that fateful day came. My mother read my Xanga. It was horrible. I thought we would never be able to look at each other again. But we survived. We’ve survived traumatic events since then, and I hope we’ll survive those to come.

Good news, she wants to go to this bridal fair this month to “get ideas.” She has been seriously stuck on Charlie and I not getting married until he becomes a Christian. Maybe she’s starting to realize that he may not ever do that, and regardless, he makes me incredibly happy.

I’m concerned about who is going to marry us. I want Eric Harriman to officiate, however, I don’t think he will marry me to someone who is not a Christian. Nor will any other ministers that know me. Also, I have no desire to get married at Cheniere, or FBC. I want the lake, but the facilities out there are not going to accomodate the amount of people I want. Not that I want alot, maybe 50? Idk.


I was caught off guard

I can’t believe she walked through those doors. The instant I saw her, I knew. In my heart, in my gut, in my bones. Hollen was in the building. I ran. Hid. Cried. Watched the cameras until she was gone and I was safe. Safe from what, you might ask. Safe from facing her, and safe from having to face my feelings. I’ve gone over in my head time and time again what I would say.

I got paid today, so life is looking up. Not perfect, but I will be able to make it through another month.

Too busy being fabulous

I wish that were the case.

I’m too busy having 3 jobs and taking 5 classes. When I get a roommate, I can breathe. Until then…I’m relying on the Adderall. Speaking of, it was 81 dollars today. Lovely.

The ring on my left hand is distracting me today. As did the question L posed. Are you guys engaged? I’m tried of saying, “it’s complicated.” If it were up to us, we’d be married tomorrow. But, my mother is stuck on the “not until he’s a Christian.”

I keep thinking he’ll win her over and she’ll just get over herself. But, the chances of that are slim to none.

So, I’m dealing with the need for weightloss headon. I made myself get on the treadmill last night (30 minutes, 1.10 mile, 207 calories) I don’t want this blog to be soley about weight.  But, I want to get obsessed.

It’s time to run to job #2.

Hello world!

It’s a strange thing that I do. But, not really. I’m sure everyone does it, they just don’t talk about it.

I have conversations with myself all day long, alot of times, these conversations are in Spanish. Correction, in attempted Spanish.

Tengo ir al mi trabajo.

I have to go to work, so I’ll finish this up later.

But, hello world.